Dog Haiku:
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
this long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
you ever will be.
Today I sniffed many
dog butts--I celebrate
by kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
paperboy--come to kill us all
-- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
garbage man--come to kill us all
-- Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
whiz on each bush.
Hello, Spot-sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
the ways are numberless as
my hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me!
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
on your foot--no greater bliss
--well, maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and
deny it. No human could
love you as much I do.
The cat is not all bad
--she fills the litter box
with Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
now, always, and especially
when you are eating.
You may call them fleas,
but they are far more
--I call them a vocation.
My owners' mood is
romantic--I lie near their
feet. I fart a big one.
CAT COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are NOT transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house plants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
Creation (According To Canine Historians)
Author unknown

On the first day God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy & the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the dog.
You know you are a Dog Person IF:
Author unknown
You read a newspaper article by pieces in the front yard and don't think there's anything strange about doing this.
Your dog brings a dead bird/squirrel into the kitchen and generously gives it to you with a big smile. You say "For me? Thank you." and take it for granted it is just another day.
City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you can't figure out what the problem is.
You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer.
You use your down payment for a new van to have cataract surgery on your old dog and drive the van you have for 3 more years. (What good is a new van if she can't see out the window?)
You look at every poop in your yard before you pick it up making your neighbors think you are weird. (What is even better is the looks on their faces when you stuff the really fresh doodie into a plastic bag for safe keeping until you can get to the vet's.)
You wake in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and your feet hit a wet spot. You look at the dog in bed with you and he looks at you like "Not me!...Must have been one of the other dogs."
Your friends invite you to a fun night out at the dinner theater and you say no because you would rather be home grooming your dogs. Or the new subscription from a dog magazine came and you want to read it.
After 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you carefully buried that morning.
On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps, doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh yes, the sheep.
On your 1040 form all your charitable donations are to Humane Societies, Shelters and Rescue groups.
Last, but not least, you are on an email list with other dog people and each one of them feels like more than family.

How to Photograph Your Puppy

  1. Remove film from box and load camera.
  2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
  3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
  4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
  5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
  6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
  10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
  11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
  12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
  13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
  15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No! No! Outside!"
  16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
  17. Fix a drink.
  18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.



How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

  1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
  2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
  3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
  4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
  5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
  6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
  7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
  8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
  9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
  10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.




Why I'll answer to almost anything
These are various "spellings" of my name I've collected over the years...

SHACOSKA SHAQUSKA STOPANSKY
SHAMOSOKA SHAPASOK SHADOSKI
SHAFOSKA SOHAPOSKA SHOPOSHKA
SNAPOTA SHAPOOSKA SHAPASHA
CHAPOSKA SHAPOSDI SHOSKA
SHAPOSKS DHAPOSKA BSHAPOSKA
PPRSI SHAPOSTA SHAPOOKA
SHIPASKA SMPOSKA SLAPPEKA
SHPOSKA SHOPOSKOA SHOPOSKA
SHOPASKA SHIPOSKA SHEPOSKI
SHATOSKI SHARPUSKA SHARPOSKA
SHAPUSKA SHAPSHA SHAPROSKA
SHAPOWSKA SHAPOSKI SHAPOSK
SHAPOSICA SHAPOSEA SHAPOFKA
SHAPESKA SHAPASKA SHAPASHA
SHAPALKA SHAOSKA SHAOOSKA
SHAKOSKA SHABOSKA SCHOPSKA
SCHAPASKA SCHAPOSKA SCAPOSKA
SAPOSKA ISHAPOSKA HAPOSKA
AROSKA SHAPOSKRA SHARPOLKA
SHAPOSKIA SAHPOSKA SHADOSKA
SHAPOSKA STIAPOSKA SHAPOSKE
LHAPOSKA SHAPOSHA SHAPOSKSA
SHAPOSRA SHEPOSKA SCHAPOSICA
SHAPOSHON SPAKOSKA SHUPOSKIE
SHANOSTA SHAHPOSKA SHHPOSKA
SAHAPOSKA CASKA SHAPOSKT
SHAPORSKI SHAPSOKA SHAPOCKA
SHAMPOSKA RUM
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